Two Mothers. Two Losses. One Unshakable Faith
What grief couldn't steal. What motherhood couldn't break. What God refused to let go of.
What follows are the testimonies of two women who walked through the kind of loss most mothers pray they will never know. Our prayer is that you find your strength again in their words, whatever valley you are walking through today.
There is a question every grieving Christian woman eventually asks in private, even if she would never say it out loud.
What did I do to deserve this?
Jan Johnson asked it in a quiet house in 1990-something, after a brain tumor took her husband Howard at thirty-eight and left her a widow with three small children and two miscarriages already buried. Dr. Michelle Dickens probably asked it in Las Vegas, after the third of her babies — Bryanna, twenty-two weeks, ten days short of viability — was delivered into a silence that no mother should have to learn.
Both women were carried into grief they did not choose, and held there longer than they thought they could survive. One nearly lost her faith. The other nearly lost her marriage. Both, for a long time, did not believe what was coming next was even possible.
These are their stories.
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My husband, Preston and I walked through the loss of our three children in the second trimester – Alexis was born in 2002 at 19 weeks, Joshua was born in 2003 at 15 weeks, and Bryanna was born in 2003 at 22 weeks, just 10 days short of viability.
Six years later, we moved back to Las Vegas where we met from Colorado Springs and that is when I learned my progesterone levels were too low.
After a long journey through the shadows of grief, depression, and the near destruction of my marriage, God began forging a genuine faith in my heart for Jesus, the ultimate Healer, Restorer and Redeemer.
Over the next 10 years, I would learn that God never leaves you empty handed. In exchange for Alexis, He gave me His Peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7). In exchange for Joshua, I experienced His power that brings death to life (1 Peter 1:5). In exchange for Bryanna, God would reveal His glory (1 Peter 5:7). These divine exchanges continued in the exchange of depression for His joy, and in the near destruction of my marriage for His life-giving, resurrected love!
Read More of Her Story In This Book Below 👇
Sacrificial Love is about the effect the Refiner’s fire can have on marriages who encounter situations that would otherwise rip them apart. I was so blessed to join 5 other couples to share how my husband and I were Sifted through Grief. God used the loss of our 3 children in the second trimester to refine our hearts and our marriage.
When I was in college, I got pregnant with my first child, Nick. Abortion was never an option in my mind. I thought about adopting him out, but my mom said I’d never be able to do that because it’d be too hard.
So I single parented for three years until I married my first husband, Howard.
I had two miscarriages which were devastating. I thought perhaps God was punishing me.
Then I got pregnant with my daughter and was filled with so much joy. I named her Sara Elizabeth after the two women who had yearned for a child.
I had another son, Kyle three years later. Then my husband had a brain tumor and surgery that left him paralyzed.
Two years later he died. He was 38 and I was 32.
Five years later, I married my current husband, Ed, of 36 years. He had been divorced and had 2 bio kids, Aaron and Tyler and 2 adopted (Mexican siblings) Mea and Lenny.
When we joined our families, both of our youngest sons were seven, then his bio son, eight, his adopted daughter and my daughter Sara both eleven, and my first son who was now sixteen.
My husband asked what I thought about having another baby together. I’m thinking- isn’t seven enough? And it had been seven years since I had changed diapers.
I gave in and got pregnant with Jed. Then I didn’t want a lone tag along and got pregnant right away with Emily. I thought I was through! But Natural Family Planning and God had other plans.
Baby number ten- a girl, Sidney.
I cried for three straight days when I found out I was pregnant. How in the world was I going to do this?
There are so many stories. I’m not gonna lie, it was pretty difficult joining families. But in retrospect, I see where God’s merciful hand and grace was in every step.
Read More of Her Story In This Book Below 👇
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